Monthly Archives: June 2012

Book Review – Fifty Shades of BORING

FIFTY  SHADES OF GREY  BY E.L. JAMES

I am not sure if any of you have heard of these books. I blame it all on my hairdresser who insisted that I buy them, as everyone she knew was reading them, and couldn’t put them down. Well, I read the first one and I won’t be reading any more of them. It turns out the book is  adult erotica. It’s called ‘Mummy Porn’ and is aimed at married women over 30.

In the first place the writing is really bad, and it’s boring, and repetitive. Then there are so many clichés, if you are not into bondage, sadism and master/slave relationships, or denigration of women,  then you won’t like these books either.

The author is a big fan of her ‘Inner Goddess’ and makes her a character in the book. James constantly tells the reader throughout the book what the Inner Goddess is doing. Anastasia’s Inner Goddess rolls her eyes a lot, hides under tables, squirms with desire etc.  I can tell you that my Inner Goddess rolled her eyes a lot, and snickered, and I haven’t seen her since. I think she is keeping a low profile,  in case I read more of this rubbish. James keeps repeating herself ad nauseam throughout the book which makes it very tiresome to read

James is also very fond of the word,’suddenly’ and uses it many times over. Another catchcry is,’ his breath hitched or her breath hitched”. I can tell you that every time I read those words my breath hitched in annoyance.There are so many other examples that I lost interest in writing them down.

This is the first book in a trilogy. The second book is called Fifty Shades Darker,  and the last one is called Fifty Shades Free. The books are apparently based on fan fiction from the Twilight Books.

I found the book highly insulting to women. The female character, Anastasia, (21 years old) is debased and humiliated by her lover. Anastasia  is university educated, and portrayed as a bright young woman. All I can say is in my opinion she is not very bright at all. I was amazed to read that James has a daughter. I certainly wouldn’t want my daughter to be treated like her character Anastasia Steele is treated by her master/boyfriend  Christian Grey.

These three books are running off the shelves worldwide, and have made James a best-selling author. The books apparently make her over $1.5 million dollars a week. Go Figure!! Well,  it certainly isn’t the wonderful writing that is making these books so popular. Apparently the sex industry has had a big boost in sex toys, and there  are those  husbands who are either scared to death by their wives taking an interest in carpentry and ropes, or else they have big smiles on their faces.

I guess one way of describing the books would be Mills and Boon with an X Rating. Now there is talk of a movie being made of the first book. Anastasia bless her little cotton socks, orgasms whenever Christian looks at her. Honestly, I don’t know where she gets her energy from. The sex scenes are almost comical in a sick sort of way.

The reviews call it a romance, but there is not much romance that I can see. Christian Grey is obsessive, cruel, selfish, and autocratic. He is an unbelievable character. He is a self -made billionaire, classical pianist, pilot,  tall, good-looking, and charismatic.He uses his money as a way to control people.

Anyhow I leave it up to you to make your own decisions.

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THE CHURCH FETE

Close-up of a teddy bear

Close-up of a teddy bear (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

                                                            THE  CHURCH  FETE

 

Reverend Symes hung up the phone, and ran his long slender fingers through his thinning, grey hair, “Oh dear “he muttered in despair.

The tiles on the church roof badly needed repair, and the donations they had collected so far went nowhere near the cheapest quote. The church council  needed another $2,500.00 to complete the restoration. Praying for a solution for weeks, all he had been able to come up with was Bingo.  It was proving most popular with his parishioners. He had seen them down at the Bowl’s Club playing for the $1,000.00 Jackpot. He gingerly put the idea to the Bishop, but he was outraged by the suggestion. The Bishop didn’t think it was at all fitting for a Church Fete. The old boy hadn’t managed to come up with any other solutions though.

Knocking quietly on the study door, Mary, his long- time housekeeper, entered staggering under the weight of a big cardboard box. Surveying the pile of clothes, lamps, books and a large, dirty, scruffy old bear doubtfully, Rev. Symes thought the whole lot needed throwing out. The poor bear had one brown ear missing and his left eye hung precariously by a thread. The right   eye was missing altogether, and he looked so sad and neglected. His once thick brown fur was flattened, and in some places he was bald.

With a loud disapproving sniff, Mary said, “Old Mrs. Steele’s niece donated this box of goodies from her Aunts deceased estate. Imagine that, she’s clearing out the house already to put it on the market. Poor lamb has only been dead a couple of weeks.  Shame really, these young ones don’t waste time these days do they? “

Surveying the box with disdain, Mary said, “She didn’t give us anything valuable that’s for sure, just this rubbish. I suppose it saves her taking it all to the dump. Where do you want me to put it? “

The Vicar was distracted by money- making schemes,  and wasn’t paying attention to any of this. “Hmmm! Oh yes, put it anywhere I don’t care.” He said waving his hand vaguely. Exasperated, she stomped out of the study muttering under her breath.

The day of the Church fete arrived. Looking anxiously out of his bedroom window; Rev. Symes felt the mild breeze tickling his head. The sun warmed his face, and the brilliant  blue sky was empty of clouds. It was a perfect day. He said a quick prayer of thanks.  The local newspaper had given the fete free advertising as their donation towards the St Barnabas’s restoration fund. If this lovely weather holds up we should get a good crowd, the Vicar thought happily.  The women in the guild had been working hard for weeks baking, sewing, making jams and sweets, sorting out the donations for the jumble sale, and generally getting everything ready for the big day.

After breakfast, he sat watching the workers setting up, while preparing his opening speech. There had been a few minor hiccups so far, the fortune-teller had left her crystal ball sitting on her kitchen table. Her son was sent home to retrieve it before the fete. One of the Scottish dancers had fallen and sprained her ankle during practice, but a replacement had been found.

By lunch time the crowds were starting to grow. The Vicar wandered around inspecting the various stalls, checking on how they were going and chatting with his parishioners.

“Good turn out Vicar, of course the lovely day helps doesn’t it?”

“Ah yes! Mrs. Marsh, the weather can make or break the fete as you well know.”

He continued on, inspecting the cake stall ,and the book stall, and was on his way to the jumble stall, when he came across a most extraordinary scene. There was a rather large, flamboyant woman, dressed in a garish orange dress that looked more like a tent. She was arguing loudly with a tall, silver-haired man wearing an expensive gray suit. They were at the Jumble Stall, and the object they were arguing over was the disreputable looking Teddy Bear.

“I saw it first, its mine” said the woman tugging harder at the bear’s leg. The Vicar wondered in alarm if the bear’s  leg would come off at any moment.

“Madam, I can assure you, I was here first, and I intend to have this bear.”

“Don’t you know who I am?  Harriet J Bloomfield! You must have heard of my shop, ‘All Things Collectable’ on Bay St.? “

She glanced up at him to see if he had indeed heard of her, or the shop, and was suitably impressed by this knowledge.

Regarding her with distaste, he said, “Allow me to introduce myself madam. My name is Harold Bradford-Taylor, a specialist in rare Teddy Bears I don’t sell them to the highest bidder. Unlike you, I repair them and sell them to a good home where they will be loved.”

“I’ll give you $100.00 for it “said Harriet, turning to the stall holder who was staring at them with an open mouth.

“Mind you, I think that’s too much, but I’m prepared to be generous for a good cause.”

“$300.00 “said Harold Bradford-Taylor.

The Vicar couldn’t believe his ears. How astonishing that this dirty, scruffy old bear could be worth all this money.

“Now, now “said the Vicar nervously as a large crowd gathered to see what all the fuss was about. “ We should be able to settle this amicably.”

Ignoring him, they kept trying to outbid each other, to the astonishment of the parishioners who had no idea what rare Teddy Bears were worth, or indeed that it was a rare bear.

The bidding went up to $1500.00 very quickly, with neither side willing to give ground.

Harriet J Bloomfield was furious; she was used to getting her own way, usually by sheer force.

Gritting her teeth, she said, “That’s my final offer, take it or leave it.”

The Vicar thought this might make a good subject for his sermon tomorrow. Anger and covetousness, yes, that would be a good theme, it was hard to keep coming up with new ideas for sermons. He’d spent many a Saturday afternoon locked in his study trying to think of something to talk about. He hadn’t talked about the seven deadly sins lately.

Harold Bradford-Taylor said quietly “$2,500.00”

There was a loud collective gasp from the gathered crowd, and the Vicar nearly fell over with shock. His pulse started racing, and a sheen of perspiration appeared on his forehead. Oh dear, all this excitement really isn’t good for my heart he thought. That is exactly the amount we need for the roof repair. He found his fingers had crossed themselves in hope.

The stallholder hurriedly put the bear in a large brown paper bag in case Mr. Bradford – Taylor changed his mind.

Harriet kept opening and closing her mouth, speechless. A rare condition for her, remarked one wit in the crowd. Her face reddened, and she slammed her fist on the counter in rage. She stomped off in high dudgeon, to the cheering of the crowd who had taken quite a dislike to her.  Mr Bradford – Taylor presented his cheque to Rev. Symes with a courtly bow. He picked up the paper bag with just the bear’s scruffy head peering lopsidedly out of the bag, and carried him gently away.

The Vicar watched him as he walked away, and he could have sworn the one -eyed bear winked at him. It must be all the excitement, he thought, my mind is playing tricks on me. I really will have to see the doctor first thing Monday morning.

THE END (C)

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Cashabah

Llamas

Llamas (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

CASHABAH

The red, orange, and blue of the dancers swirl towards me, a kaleidoscope of colors, celebrating the arrival of spring. The steady boom, boom of the drum stirs my heart and it tries to beat in time, as my feet tap out the hypnotic rhythm too. I would love to join the swirling crowd but I am an outcast.

My life is not what I want it to be. I am wretched. Already I am fifteen, and I have no husband. We are poor, our life is uncertain. I am a mixed blood. My father married Raja, a woman from another tribe, who died in my childbirth. My father Vagish has since remarried, now I have two younger brothers and a stepmother who hates me. They laugh and make fun of me. My brothers are pure-blooded and will soon be men. I am only a woman of mixed blood, a lower caste, unmarriageable. Mixed bloods are not welcome in our society.

My stepmother tells me I am a slave.. When I get up in the morning, it is my job to go down to the communal well and get the water for our family. The water is heavy but no man will do it. It is considered to be woman’s work.

While I am waiting for my turn at the well a shower of rain passes over. The hot, earthy smell of the rain comes off the rocks and delights my nose. The birds enjoy the rain too, raucous calls sing out as they flash in and out of the dark green forest. Tiny jewels  of blue, red, and yellow among the many shades of green.

After our meager breakfast of gruel, I help my father and brothers on our small farm. Our llamas are our main source of wealth though we also grow pumpkins and some maize.

When the day is done and I have some time to myself, I love to pretend that I am a princess from a wealthy court. Princess Cashabah, I like the sound of it. It sounds mysterious and exotic.

I have only one friend, another girl of mixed blood called Ashanti. In our games, she becomes my devoted companion. When a rebel prince falls in love with me and takes me away from my father’s court, I will take my loyal friend Ashanti with me. We will have many adventures together. This is the only time I feel happy and carefree.

I overheard my stepmother telling the other women how ashamed she is of my ugliness, she tells them I am lazy, disobedient, and I eat too much food, food that should go to her sons. She tells them she has to beat me as I am stubborn and won’t do as I am told.

I don’t feel safe here where life can be ended on a whim, where there is danger everywhere you turn. There is never enough food, or clean drinking water, and disease is everywhere.  Our people have so much pain and suffering.

The nuns are teaching me to read the bible, and I read stories of travelers to other lands. I would like to be a traveler, and see these other far away places. My stepmother cannot read or write, and now she hates me even more. She tells me that I am not better than the others are, indeed, I am much worse.

How I long to escape.

I have heard people speak of  these other lands where there is too much food, little or no disease, and everyone has lots of money; I wish I had been born in a place such as this.

There are many things I wish for myself. I want a good life where I can be free. Not at everyone’s beck and call as I am now.  I don’t want to be hungry all the time. Will I ever find a kind and gentle husband who will love me? I want many children who will fill my house with the sound of laughter, and most importantly I want to be loved and accepted for who I am.

I am so alone.

My father doesn’t love me. He wishes I had died instead of my beautiful mother. He is tired when he comes home from our field, and my stepmother greets him with a list of complaints. My stepmother wants to get rid of me even though I do most of the work.

Surely if there is a god as the nuns say, then he wouldn’t want his children to live in misery and poverty. I pray every day that something good will happen to me.

 

THE END

 

(C)

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Baby Elephant’s Mud Bath

English: baby elephant

English: baby elephant (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is the most adorable video about elephants in a mud bath in Africa. Watch the baby elephant he is so funy. I was worried about him/her but I needn’t have been, the adults certainly knew what they were doing.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/f_gBWPs4r3U

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Australian Political Situation In One Word

Political Language

 

Finally, a single word to describe our current Australian Political Situation…
Couldn’t find it in my old Webster’s dictionary so I Googled it and discovered it is a recently “coined” new word found on T-shirts on eBay:
Read this one over slowly and  absorb the facts that are within this definition! I love this word and  believe that it will become a recognized English word after the 2012 elections.

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Child Abuse

XRay OF A 4 Month Old Child SHOWING HORRIFIC INJURIES

This is an extract for a story in the Courier Mail by Margaret Wenham 26/6/12

AN X-ray of a four-month-old boy that shows two broken legs and two broken ribs may shock you, but for those who confront child abuse in Queensland every day, it’s nothing new.

I honestly don’t understand how people can do this to their children whatever their age. Children are so defenseless. To have your father or your mother or some other relative you trust hurt you like this is inconceivable. The other day a man jumped off the bridge with his baby. The poor baby died but the man survived. What would drive people to do this? There have been so many cases we have seen on the news where people take out their frustrations, anger, and bitterness on their vulnerable children.  Maybe drugs and alcohol are involved, or the perpetrator is seeking revenge on their partner, but whatever the cause these poor children should  be protected.  There was a case a while ago where the father drowned his 3 children in a car. Drove it into a lake and left them there to die. I cannot imagine what was going through those poor, terrified children’s minds when the father they loved and trusted did that.  It haunts me to this day and I suspect always will. There has to be something that society can do to protect these poor little children.

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Brain Study

 

Brain, computer art

Brain, computer art (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

 7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.

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A Really Corny Joke

IN BREAD CAT

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Marietta Peabody My Nemesis

Nemesis UK

Nemesis UK (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

MARIETTA PEABODY, MY NEMESIS.

A fictional tale – any comments would be most welcome.

Even after all these years, her name still has the power to send shudders through my body. From my earliest childhood to my twenties, she was the bane of my life, and the town busybody. She made it her life’s work to pry into everyone else’s business, though she seemed to concentrate mainly on mine.  Why she singled me out, I have no idea. Maybe because we lived next door, or maybe she just had it in for me. However, I didn’t realise the true extent of her evil nature until I was around 4 or 5 years old.

I went to school with Christopher and Robyn Cahill, they lived over the road in our little country town. One day they decided to play doctors and nurses, I had no idea what that really meant. My older sister was a nurse, so I naively thought it would be about saving people. I even had a little plastic stethoscope to listen to my patient’s chest.   How green can you be? We were half way thru discovering parts of the anatomy I never knew existed, when my father arrived. The look on his face was not ‘a happy to see me look’. He yelled at me all the way home where ,upon arrival I got the strap, nowadays it is called child abuse I’m sure.  How did he find out? Marietta Peabody just happened to be passing by the Cahill’s place, and she felt it was her responsibility to pass this vital information onto my parents. What did this woman have against sex education I ask you? After that little episode , I decided I disliked her .

Her next effort caught me smoking a cigarette behind my parent’s woodpile. She saw (?) the smoke rising and decided to investigate. By the time, I wandered up the back stairs feeling very sophisticated and daring, my mother was waiting with the feather duster.   Punishment for my sins again, courtesy of Marietta Peabody, now I really disliked her. Didn’t that woman have anything better to do with her life? Did she lie in wait all day for me to do something wrong so she could hightail it over to Mum and Dad, and tell them of my grievous misdeeds?

There were numerous infringements over the years, too many to relate here, so I will give you just a small sample.

My father told me to come home straight from school, no detours. All the other kids went to the local milk bar after school for milkshakes, ice creams, gossip, and a bit of flirting. This sounded a lot more fun to me than staying at home with nothing to do, and nobody to play with. Therefore, one day I decided in my wisdom that I would join them. Guess who was doing her shopping at the town centre? You guessed it, Marietta Peabody. My father arrived on foot with a thunderous look on his face. He marched me home in front of everyone with the occasional slap on the backside to make sure I knew I was in trouble. How humiliating.   My dislike became stronger. I could barely look at the woman. Not that she was much to look at anyway. Grossly overweight, her greasy brown hair was flecked with grey, and she had mean piggy eyes that never missed a trick. She also had an annoying habit  of scrunching up her mouth when she looked at you, as if you had just crawled out from under the nearest rock. I don’t think she was ever a kid, or if she was she must have been perfect, I’m sure.

As I grew older, my crimes became more serious, kissing Martin, one of the older Church boys, rated highly on her radar.  She got a lot of enjoyment out of that one. After Sunday school while the adults were still in Church, all the kids used to sneak down the back paddock, where hidden behind some bushes, we felt quite safe from discovery. All was going well. I was enjoying myself immensely, and learning quite a bit about kissing. It was much better than practising on my pillow, or my arm, which the other girls at school assured me, was the way to practise if you didn’t have a boyfriend. I wasn’t too bad at it either if I say so myself, Martin didn’t complain.  Now really I ask you, what possible reason would a woman of her age have, to be going down the back paddock while Church was still going? Why wasn’t she in Church with all the other adults? I’ll tell you why, spying was more fun than praying obviously. I am sure she defended her actions as doing God’s work – as if!   In the time, it took us to scramble guiltily to our feet, dust ourselves off, look presentable, and then wander nonchalantly back to Church, Mum had already been informed in graphic detail. Another severe lecture, and more privileges revoked. Thank goodness, I was getting too old for corporal punishment now.

The list of misdemeanours went on and on, until I reached my twenties. I was convinced that woman had spies out all over town, or at the very least had eyes in the back of her head. On the other hand, maybe she was clairvoyant.

When I was twenty-one, I met my future husband, Brian. I was boarding in Brisbane while I finished my studies at University. Weekends, I drove home to visit my parents. Needless to say I tried to keep out of Marietta’s way as much as possible. Brian and I decided to hold our wedding in Dad’s country Church. Dad would take the wedding service, and Mum would play the organ. My brother-in-law was going to give me away, and my sister was to be the bridesmaid, so it was to be quite the family affair.

After our marriage, we were going to move to Brisbane permanently to follow our respective careers. I was studying to be a social worker, and Brian was studying medicine. He wanted to be a pediatrician.  I came home one weekend full of good cheer and excitement to discuss wedding plans with my mother. All was going well until we decided to go through the list of people invited to the wedding. Guess whose name leapt out at me?

I put on a very convincing act of a demented person, I ranted, I raved to no avail, and I pleaded. I think there might even have been a little bit of foot stamping in there as well, but it didn’t sway my mother’s resolve one little bit. Marietta was invited, and that was that.  It was beyond my comprehension, how could my mother befriend a person like her?  Mum said she felt sorry for her, and I was being selfish. Selfish my foot, it was after all my wedding. The only person that was going to be sorry was me. Let me ask you a question, would you invite your worst lifelong enemy to your wedding day? I think not.

The great day arrived, and  luckily we had beautiful weather for the photographs. Our wedding went off without a hitch. Everyone said the bride looked beautiful, well, they always say that don’t they? I was wandering around the reception chitty chatting to the guests,and  thanking them for attending, and for all their lovely wedding gifts, and their kind words etc. when disaster struck. There was Marietta dressed in a garish red and black suit, more like a tent if you ask me, in full voice telling my new husband’s entire family and friends, about all the crimes I had committed in my childhood.  They were all smiling and nodding, some of them laughing. I was panic-stricken. There were things I didn’t want anyone to know, let alone my new family. Who, I might add, had thought up until then that I was quite a nice person.  Rather than cause a scene, I put on my sweetest face, and cooed to Brian that I needed to see him on a matter of extreme importance. Looking puzzled, he trotted obediently after me.

“Get your parents away from that woman,” I hissed in his ear, “She’s senile, not only that she’s nasty and vicious as well.”

In his best condescending bedside manner he said, “Oh! I think she’s a bit young to be senile don’t you? Besides, it is funny listening to her talk about your childhood.  You never tell me those sorts of things.”

“I wonder why? Maybe it’s because those things are private, and not for public consumption?”

I stomped off in high dudgeon with a toss of the head and a swish of my wedding dress,  convinced that everyone at the reception would soon be talking about my misspent youth before the evening was out. Once again, she had ruined my life. Dislike turned to extreme dislike.

That was over thirty years ago. After I finished University, we moved to Brisbane, started our careers, and had our nuclear family as planned. A few years later, my parents also moved to Brisbane to be near their two grandchildren. I didn’t ever have to face the prospect of seeing that awful Marietta again. Thank goodness for that, my life was complete.

Until today that is.

The ward sister gave me a list of people I had to interview regarding their suitability for an aged care facility. Three positions had become vacant. Since they were as scarce as frog’s teeth, we had to make sure the most deserving got the positions. Guess whose name printed in bold black type was on the top of the list.  No! it couldn’t be. Was this woman going to pursue me to my deathbed or beyond? Surely, there could only be one of her? With my heart pounding, and my palms sweating, I went to the door and anxiously scanned the waiting room through my glass panel. I couldn’t see her anywhere. Maybe it was a mistake; there could be someone else with the same name. I said a silent prayer, please, please, let that be the case.  Nevertheless, as I opened my office door and tentatively called her name, this  wizened old woman came tottering in with the aid of an orderly and a walker. It was her.  I would recognize her anywhere. I was speechless. This was my nemesis? The woman I had hated, well actively disliked anyway, and feared for over forty years. Even though I had aged, gracefully I might add, she had stayed just as she was in my memory, eternally frozen in time. I never thought of her aging or changing in any way. After I had seated her in my office, we caught up on what was happening in my life, and I asked her about hers. She opened up to me and told me things that I never knew, though I am sure my mother knew. Marietta told me that she had become a young widow after her husband was killed during the Second World War. She had never remarried, and admitted that she had become bitter and resentful. She spent her life grieving for a way of life that could have been, a happy marriage, children, grandchildren. She denied herself all future love and happiness because she was so caught up in her first love. She was convinced that she would never find another true love, so of course she never did.

As I sat listening to her life story, I felt pity instead of dislike or fear. I decided I couldn’t hate Marietta after all. Her few friends had moved away or died, her parents and siblings were long dead, and she had no one to care for her, or about her. In her late eighties, she couldn’t look after herself anymore, and she was frail and sickly.

It’s funny you know, when I was a kid I never thought of her having a life or having hopes, dreams, sadness, or love. It was an alien concept, because I never thought of her as being a normal person. She was always Marietta Peabody my nemesis.

THE END

(C)

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A Little Comfort Goes A Long Way

Very Smart Warthog At Rest

I had an email from a friend in Zimbabwe yesterday and she sent me this picture and story I thought was delightful.

They had been away at a game park and on the first evening, while sitting in front of the fire in the bar, in walked a fully grown warthog.

He walked over to the bar and without a word the bar man handed him a pillow.

He took the pillow in his mouth, dropped it next to the fire and promptly lay down with his head on the pillow and went to sleep where, apparently he spends the cold nights.

In the morning he’s off into the bush again!  My friend says that if the barman isn’t there, he’ll just grab a pillow off one of the couches!”

Here he is, in all his glory…

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